


laughter lines

by strawberrybird



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, Drunk Antics, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Group Chat Fic, Hijinks & Shenanigans, No Spoilers, Swearing, Underage Drinking, inappropriate jokes about fancying a teacher, inter-house bonding time, its a Party Fic, party gays rise up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2020-07-30 06:35:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20092870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberrybird/pseuds/strawberrybird
Summary: Claude >>> Princess Edie (4:57pm)Claude: what is love ! edie don't hurt me! don't hurt me ! no morePrincess Edie: go back to torturing dimitrigroup chat nonsense fic where nothing of import happens and its nice





	1. in which the black eagles group chat takes a turn for the chaos

**Author's Note:**

> this is a spoiler free work !!! i will personally ensure zero plot will be spoiled or accomplished in this fic.
> 
> EDIT: also i wrote this with the aim that at any given point you know who's speaking. i'd actually really appreciate it if y'all told me if/when you lost who's speaking, bc i want my fic to be as accessible as i can !! :)

**Dorothea >>> Black Eagles House Chat (5:18am)**

_Dorothea renamed the group to ‘ms byleth’s thot squad’_

_Dorothea set nickname to ‘edie’_

_Dorothea set nickname to ‘hubie’_

_Dorothea set nickname to ‘ferdie’_

_Dorothea set nickname to ‘linnie’_

_Dorothea set nickname to ‘caspie’_

**caspie**: cAsPiE??? why wud u tank my street cred like that

_Dorothea set nickname to ‘bernie’_

_Dorothea set nickname to ‘sylvie’_

**Petra**: please do not name me petrie

_Dorothea set nickname to ‘darling petra’_

**Dorothea**: ;)

**linnie**: are you done

**Dorothea**: no

**Dorothea** _set group icon to [picture of Edelgard taken after the summer formal dance last year. Edelgard is crouched on the ground, flipping off the camera. She is wearing 2 pairs of sunglasses. The photo is very blurry and was taken about 2am)_

**Dorothea**: now I’m done

**ferdie**: OMG THAT PIC

**ferdie**: where was that???? Where was i???

**ferdie**: dorothie I thought we were friends how could not tell me this exists

**hubie**: take that down dorothea

**Dorothea**: no :^)

**sylvie**: I’ve never had more respect for our fearless house leader than in this moment

**darling petra**: two days ago she stopped a minor civil war

**darling petra**: but I would agree. it is only now i send Edelgard the whole of my respect

**ferdie** _renamed the group to ‘Bi For BIleth’_

**caspie**: but I’m not bi???

**ferdie**: but ur in byleth’s class so ur in the bi zone

**Dorothea**: ferdie stop stealing the bi chat’s old jokes to make yourself look better

**sylvie**: ooooooh @**linny** pls physic this burn victim

**ferdie**: you don’t even go here

**linnie**: it's not even 6am why can we not be asleep instead

**hubie** _renamed the group to ‘Black Bagles House Chat’_

**hubie** _set the group icon to [picture of the Black Eagles banner hanging in the house classroom]_

**caspie**: BAGLES

**ferdie**: BAGLES

**linnie**: bagles

**bernie**: .. bagles…

**hubie**: this isn’t funny

**caspie**: nO it’s HILARIOUS!!!!!

**darling petra**: is it not spelled ‘bagels’?

**hubie**: the word was ‘eagles’ @**darling petra**, it is simply a typing error

**darling petra**: bagels :)

**Dorothea**: I for one vote to change the house name to bagels. Breakfast food is better than birds

**hubie**: @**darling petra** I believed in you

**edie**: Bagles.

**caspie**: SHE APPROVES!!!!! BAGEL HOUSE IS GO

**Dorothea** _set group icon to [picture of Edelgard as before]_

**Hanneman >>> tested professors (8:03am)**

**Professor Hanneman**: I wouldn’t like to use this communication group for such frivolities but @**byleth** is there a reason your house has stormed the dining hall chanting about bread products?

**Byleth**: ffs

**Edelgard >>> Dorothea (5:19am)**

**Edie**: why

**Dorothea**: we all feel a bit grim after killing people for class activities and we all respect you enough that light mockery has no effect on your position as leader

**Dorothea**: and it’s a brilliant picture

**Edie**: I’ll allow it

**Red Leader >>> cat herders (10:19am)**

**Red Leader**: @**yellow leader** Claude how did you get that picture?

**Red Leader**: stop showing it to everyone

**Red Leader**: Hubert will come for you and your sins if you don’t stop

**Yellow Leader**: it’s a work of art and it needs to be shown to the world

**Blue Leader**: what picture?

**Yellow Leader**: :^) the best picture

**Blue Leade**r: what the fuck did you just type

**Red Leader**: watch your fucking language Dimitri??

**Yellow Leader**: :^)

**Blue Leader**: how dare you put this in my line of sight

**Yellow Leader**: have you never seen an emoticon in ur life Dimitri

**Yellow Leader**: Please allow me to rectify this grave oversight by the universe

**Yellow Leader**: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**Blue Leader**: what the fuck in the name of seteth is that

**Yellow Leader**: that’s your demise my friend

**Red Leader**: Claude stop showing people the picture

**Red Leader**: I was so drunk

**Yellow Leader**: but people need to see you at your finest edie!!

**Red Leader**: if you keep showing people then it won’t have as much impact

**Red Leader**: it’s a weapon to be used sparingly

**Yellow Leader**: that’s a fair point actually I’ll accept that

**Yellow Leader**: one more thing tho

**Yellow Leader**: @**Cat Herder In Chief** Ms Byleth have you seen this yet?

**Yellow Leader**: [picture of Edelgard taken after the summer formal dance last year. Edelgard is crouched on the ground, flipping off the camera. She is wearing 2 pairs of sunglasses. The photo is very blurry and was taken about 2am. The photo has been edited with a rainbow filter and sparkles)

**Yellow Leader: **╭∩╮（︶︿︶）╭∩╮

**Cat Herder In Chief: **I had not seen that

**Red Leader: **your existence ends here claude

**Red Leader**: Hubert is already coming for you

**Linnie >>> ‘BAGELS SUPREME!!!!!’ (11:29am)**

**Linnie**: are we not going to talk about how caspie thinks he has street cred?

**Claude >>> Princess Edie (4:57pm)**

**Claude: **what is love ! edie don't hurt me! don't hurt me ! no more

**Princess Edie**: go back to torturing dimitri

**Claude >>> Pasta Boy (5:04pm)**

**Claude**: (ง'̀-'́)ง

**Pasta Boy**: how do I make you stop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thought of this sober, wrote it drunk, and i'd like so say i edited it hungover but i'm actually still drunk. yes the title is a pun on the fact it's a text fic 
> 
> i just wanted these children to have a happy moment ;-;


	2. in which the party gays let no one rest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> members of the gay chat: Edelgard, dorothea, linhardt, Mercedes, sylvain, claude, Ingrid, Lorenz, Ferdinand, Marianne, Leonie, Dimitri, Bernadetta. hilda's there but she's got it on mute *nail varnish emoji* why? because i'm gay and i said so.  
warning for much mention of underage drinking, if that's not your thing.

**Mercedes >>> bi-leth sexuals (9:48am)**

**Mercedes**: May we please change the chat name? It is an amusing pun for sure! But it provokes a lot of questions :(

**Linhardt**: I too live in fear with this chat name

**Dimitri**: Indeed, does anyone have any name ideas?

**Sylvain**: oh my god Dimitri can you maybe chill with the public persona??

**Sylvain**: anyway

**Sylvain** _renamed the chat to ‘the grand coalition of the various gays’_

**Ferdinand**: RIP to the bi-leth jokes

**Leonie**: they shall be dearly missed

**Bernadetta**: …besides, not everyone in the chat is bi !!

**Mercedes**: exactly! I’m going to get coffee and cake in the dining hall if anyone would care to join me? :)

**Marianne**: ah that sounds very nice, thank you Mercedes!

**Ingrid**: oh my god this is so civilised

**Ingrid**: i need more chaos

**Linhardt**: because some of us aren’t self-subscribed party gays

**Ingrid**: wait why don’t we party gays secede from this chat

**Leonie**: because we’d all be dead by 4pm without intervention from the normie gays

**Ingrid**: enjoy the cake and hold thy fucking horses I have a plan

**Marianne**: ok will do

**Ingrid ** _created the chat 'Party Gays'_

**Ingrid** _added **Dorothea**, **Edelgard**, **Claude**, **Sylvain**, _**_Leonie_ (10:16am)**

**Ingrid**: party gays only bitches !!! welcome to the best chat ever

**Edelgard**: Why am I in this chat Ingrid? I’m not going to help you throw parties after curfew

**Ingrid**: Have you actually remembered All Hallows Eve last year Edel? :) :) :)

**Ingrid**: you're a party gay and you know it ;) ;)

**Edelgard**: Fine.

**Edelgard**: I have some sparkling wine in my dorm and it’s Dimitri’s shift as dorm monitor tomorrow, so we have a cover for drinking on the roof

**Leonie**: NOW THAT’S THE GOOD SHIT I’M TALKING ABOUT

**Dorothea**: Edie I’ve never loved you more than I have in this moment

**Claude**: guess it’s princess mandated party time tomorrow ~(˘▾˘~)

**Ingrid**: send that again and I’ll throw you off the roof

**Ingrid**: dimitri has been crying claude

**Ingrid**: i’m not strong enough to deal with this

**Claude >>> Pasta Boy (1:37am)**

**Claude**: (ಠ_ಠ)

**Claude**: ~(˘▾˘~)

**Claude**: owo

**Pasta Boy**: i cannot allow this any longer

**Pasta Boy**: (ง’̀-‘́)ง

**Claude**: oh god… what is happening

**Claude >>> Princess Edie (1:45am)**

**Claude**: _sent image [screenshot of emotion exchange with “pasta boy”]_

**Claude**: he’s learning help me

**Princess Edie**: Improvise, adapt, overcome.

**Petra >>> Byleth’s Babes (6:57am)**

**Darling Petra**: what does ‘let’s get this bread’ mean? Is it not a call to obtain grain products?

**Darling Petra**: I have been very confused

**Bern Baby Bern**: wait.. have we not explained memes to you petra..?

**Dorthy**: surely we did?? Petra I swear we explained garrech mach memes to you?!

**Darling Petra**: what is a “meme”?

**Eagle Supreme**: It’s essentially a widespread joke that is funny because a lot of people know about it

**Eagle Supreme**: like bagels

**Darling Petra**: bagels :)

**Dorthy**: !!!!! Bagels !!!!!

**Bern Baby Bern**: we got so much breakfast that was incredible!

**Darling Petra**: we got that bread!!

**Dorthy**: Petra I’m so fucking proud of you

**Darling** **Petra**: :D

**Edie >>> Let’s Get This BAGLE (11:57pm)**

**edie**: lenmisan

**edie**: lesbipamm

**Dorothea**: it’s ok take ur time

**edie**: GIRLS

**linnie**: we know edelgard

**edie**: I LOVE GIRLS

**sylvie**: we know u do egeldard

**edie**: :D

**hubie**: @**Lady Edelgard** what are you doing

**Dorothea**: she’s Fiiine hubie we have her in safe hands

**hubie**: that’s exactly what I’m worried about. Where are you.

**sylvie**: having some FUN

**sylvie**: wait that sounds really bad uuhhh hold on

**sylvie**: we’re drunk as shit and it’s Dimitri Shaming Time

**edie**: it is Always Dimitri Shaming Time

**bernie**: ..how did you type that so accurately edie??

**edie**: it's mee ingrid edel just shoved her phone at me and Commanded me to spread the gospel of Dimitri shaming time to the eagles

**edie**: its Dimitri Shaming Time

**bernie**: oh uh hi Ingrid!

**bernie**: …isn’t he your own house leader????

**edie**: and yet I still agree he needs to be shamed

**edie**: edie says to say YAAAAS for dimitri shaming time

**Claude >>> Party Gays (4:46am)**

**Claude**: thatwas fucking superb lads let’s do this again some time

**Dorothea**: I have a lecture in 5hrs

**Dorothea**: I’m going to be drunk still

**Edelgard**: mee too it’s Fine

**Ingrid**: somehow I feel like drunk edelgard is the crypid we were never meant to see

**Sylvain**: yeah edelgard can we send you back to being an occasion party gay

**Sylvain**: we love you but. Oh my Goddess. You’re a mess.

**Edelgard**: yeaAH that’s fair

**Dimitri >>> Edelgard von Hresvelg (7:03am)**

**Dimitri**: what is dimitri shaming time edelgard

**Edelgard von Hresvelg**: Dimitri I am so hung over

**Edelgard von Hresvelg**: I will send my axe through your skull if you text me before sunrise ever again 

**Edelgard von Hresvelg**: for this, Dimitri Shaming Time is something you deserve

**Ferdie >>> noble childhoods are traumatic send tweet (8:32am)**

**Ferdie**: firstly I must once again object to the chat name. my childhood was fine.

**Ferdie**: secondly ,, edelgard u look as wrecked as u were after the summer ball,,, what the hell were you and Ingrid doing??

**Edelgard**: shaming Dimitri

**Dimitri**: here too?? for fucks sake

**Dimitri**: what did I DO

**Claude**: you exist

**Hilda**: pretty much

**Felix**: back to the matter at hand, what did you all do last night?

**Claude**: died

**Claude**: with liquor

**Sylvain**: and yet still don’t regret it

**Dimitri**: where was this??

**Edelgard**: Dimitri for fucks sake

**Claude**: this is what we mean when we say you need to be shamed Dimitri

**Hubert**: language

**Hubert**: but really, Dimitri, at least don’t hand them the ammunition

**Bernie >>> Let’s Get This BAGLE (12:24pm)**

**bernie**: hi guys has anyone seen my other hoodie?? It was drying in the laundry room before class but now it’s gone?!

**hubie**: I have not seen it, no.

**bernie**: ok thank you hube!

**bernie**: Hubert!! I meant Hubert!!! I’m so sorry!!!!!!

**caspie**: HUBE

**ferdie**: HUBE

**linnie**: hube

**caspie**: H U B E

**bernie**: oh no I am so sorry!!!!

**linnie**: Actually bernadetta I have your hoodie – professor byleth insisted I had lost it and wouldn’t leave me alone until I accepted it. I’m in the library if you want it back

…

**linnie >>> HUBE RIGHTS (12:47pm)**

**linnie**: has anyone seen bernadetta?

**Dorothea**: found her

**Dorothea**: hube you made her faint!!

**Dorothea**: through her bedroom door??

**hubie**: It is not my fault if she finds my intimidation tactics effective.

**hubie**: Do not call me hube.

**edie**: I’ll come and retrieve her jumper from you, Lin

**edie**: hube, leave her alone.

**hubie**: Lady Edelgard.

**hubie**: Please do not.

**darling petra**: hube :)

**Hubie**: **@darling petra** our comradery is over

**darling petra**: hube :(

**Caspar >>> Linhardt (OG BOIII) (3:11am)**

**Caspar**: what if we didn't have teeth what would we do

**Caspar**: why do we loose teeth

**Caspar**: are teeth real things any more or are we all just walking around with tiny bones in our mouth

**Linhardt** **(OG BOIII)**: @seiros please let me rest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wasn't drunk this time but i was very hungover so i've got that going for me
> 
> i was not expecting any positive reaction to this fic!! thanks guys, y'all made my day :)


	3. in which byleth is tired

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is about the time you'd expect some semblance of continuity to appear huh?? happy to report there is none!!

**caspie >>> The Byleth Bagel Buddies (2:39pm)**

**caspie**: can we do a thing

**caspie:** BUDDY YOU’RE A YOUNG MAN

**caspie**: HARD MAN

**caspie**: SHOUTING IN THE STREET GONNA

**caspie:** TAKE ON THE WORLD SOME DAY

**ferdie:** ya got blood on ya face

**sylvie:** YA BIG DISGRACE

**caspie:** WAVING YOUR BANNER ALL OVER THE PLACE

**caspie: @dorothea** go!!

**Dorothea:** fine

**Dorothea** _ sent a video file [dorothea films herself singing the chorus of ‘we will rock you’ in the Cathedral. Over her left shoulder, Edelgard and Petra accompany with percussion on the back of the pews.]_

**caspie:** WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK

**caspie:** DORIE UR MY FAVE PERSON IN THE ENTIRE WORLD

**Dorothea:** If you loved me you wouldn’t call me dorie

**Manuela >>> tested professors (2:43pm)**

**Manuela:** My apologies **@Byleth** but some of your students are creating disturbance in the Cathedral. Would you like me to reprimand them?

**Byleth:** dw manuela i got them

**Byleth >>> Jeralt (2:49pm)**

**Byleth:** they’re singing queen ‘we will rock you’ in the cathedral

**Byleth**: i'm tired

**Jeralt:** tell the brats I approve

**Ferdinand >>> Lance Lads (4:03pm)**

**Ferdinand** added **Sylvain, Dimitri, Hubert, Felix, Ingrid**

**Ferdinand:** hello fellow lancers!!

**Ingrid:** did u make this group chat so you’d be in more than Edelgard?

**Ferdinand:** m 

**Ferdinand:** maybe so

**Dimitri**: why am i the one being shamed here

**Dimitri**: and ferdie is pulling shit like this???

**Ingrid**: so i'm just going to yeet this whole thing

_**Ingrid** deleted the chat Lance Lads _

**Red Leader >>> cat herders (9:07am)**

**Red Leader**: Claude what the fuck have you done to Petra

**Yellow Leader**: why would you believe it was me?! I’m offended princess

**Red Leader**: I have my ways

**Blue Leader**: what happened to petra???

**Red Leader**: Why would you do this to darling Petra. Why would you do this to me?

**Yellow Leader**: it’s fun to watch your world burn edelgard

**Yellow Leader**: but also what has happened to Petra?

**Red Leader**: The memes, Claude. You can’t play ignorant I know it was you.

**Yellow Leader**: I haven’t talked to Petra since dinner last Monday, you can ask teach!

**Blue Leader**: but what is petra doing??

**Red Leader**: she won’t stop saying memes

**Blue Leader**: that’s not? Bad though?

**Yellow Leader**: stop trying to be relevant Dimitri

**Red Leader**: She diagnosed Bernadetta with baby the other day

**Red Leader**: she said Sylvain had big clown energy and he nearly cried

**Red Leader**: Professor Byleth said she was allowed to train with silver swords the other day.

**Red Leader**: she said ‘thank u, next’.

**Yellow Leader**: tell her I’m proud of her

**Red Leader**: absolutely not

**Claude >>> Princess Petra^tm (9:31am)**

**Claude**: I’m proud of you

**Petra**: uwu what’s this?

**Claude**: good goddess you’re incredible

**Claude >>> the grand coalition of the various gays (5:48pm)**

**Claude**: how are we gays doing this fine eve?

**Claude**: I’m off to the library if anyone wants to come with?

**Claude**: (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ

**Dimitri**: whomst’ve the fuck is that

**Claude**: stop trying to make yourself relevant dimitri

**Bernadetta**: um i am already there claude but thank you for the offer!!!

**Ferdinand**: i’ll come with actually

**Linhardt**: yes, where can we meet you claude?

**Dorothea**: I’m coming with!

**Claude**: lion’s common room 10 mins 💯 💯 💯

**Claude**: (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.) I am here

**Dimitri**: claude these emoticons are getting out of hand

**Claude**: can’t stop won’t stop 💯

**Ingrid** @ eagle bitches whythe sudden burst of studying

**Dorothea**: byleth has suddenly realised she’s allowed to give us exams

**Dorothea**: she looked so bloody pleased about it

**Dorothea >>> sniper no sniping (6:01pm)**

**Dorothea**: you can’t stop using the emotes can you? :^)

**sniper no sniping**: it started for Dimitri Shaming purposes and now i just can’t stop 

**sniper no sniping:** ┬─┬ノ( º _ ºノ)

**sniper no sniping**: ┻━┻ ︵ ヽ(°□°ヽ)

**Mercedes >>>** **the grand coalition of the various gays (11:51pm)**

**Mercedes: **Good night everybody, hope the study session was productive! :)

**Bernadetta**: .. it was thank you mercedes!!!

**Sylvain:** gay night everybody **🙏**

**Claude: **Gay Night!!!! **🙏** **🙏** **🙏**

**Bernadetta**: .. gay night!!

**Ingrid**: Oh Gay Night Indeed Lads!!!

**Dimitri**: good gay night everybody

**Ingrid**: oh my g

**Ingrid**: and you wonder why we shame you Dimitri

**Claude**: Dimitri Shaming Time is a round the clock job

**Claude**: I might die

**Linhardt**: still no rest for the dimitri shamers

**Leonie**: dimitri shaming squad is go

**Edelgard**: Dimitri I'm so fucking tired

**Marianne**: gay night everyone 🙏

**Hubert >>> Lady Edelgard (8:25am)**

**Hubert**: Lady Edelgard I ask you to stop allowing our peers to call me Hube

**Hubert**: Hubie was punishment enough, but Hube is beyond the pale

**Lady Edelgard**: My apologies Hubert, but it makes them happy.

**Lady Edelgard**: Every month our missions become more critical than the last. Every month the body count in our wake becomes greater than the last. 

**Lady Edelgard**: Reminding themselves that you and I are not above teasing makes them all smile, who am I to take that away from them? 

**Lady Edelgard**: Besides, that picture of me after the ball was quite the stunner.

**Hubert**: Fine. However I retain the right to threaten anyone who calls me Hube.

**Lady Edelgard**: I would expect nothing less of you, Hube :)

**edie >>> The Byleth Bagel Buddies (4:02pm)**

**edie: **Hube is in charge until 8pm.

**caspie**: ok but why???

**Dorothea**: byleth had to give us detention for singing queen in the cathedral

**Dorothea**: but she did say captain jeralt approves so it’s not really loosing

**ferdie**: w

**ferdie**: as opposed to winning???

**Dorothea**: exactly

**caspie**: how do u Win detention tho???

**Dorothea**: like this

**Edie**: no, Dorothea

**Dimitri >>> Hubert (Edelgard guy) (5:26pm)**

**Dimitri**: so they’re shaming you too hube?

**Hubert (Edelgard guy)**: I am not affiliated with you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gay night everybody 🙏  
also there's no shipping in this fic because i cannot be bothered but ur free to let ur imagination run wild  
edit: also made some minor edits to the chapter (now with 90% more emoticons)


	4. in which fish is featured

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> me, throwing this chapter at you like john mulany throws boxes of shirts at goodwill : takeemawayyy

**Sylvain >>> that ain’t it, chief (she rejects this chat name) (10:05am)**

_[the group icon is a picture of Professor Byleth sat on the fishing pier. She has her feet in the water, a beige felt bucket hat on her head, and 14 cats vying for her attention. The photo was taken from the smashed window pane in the greenhouse at 5ish am one Sunday.]_

**sylvie** _renamed the group ‘illegal collusion’ _

**sylvie**: guys whats question two

**Dorothea**: shut up

**edie**: We live and die by our own merits, Sylvain. This is not the battlefield and it is not our responsibility to save you. Answer on your own.

**caspie**: dayyyyum edelgard go off

**caspie**: its option b

…

“Caspar.” Edelgard barked across the silent classroom. “That was an order. If Sylvain fails, it will be on his own head.” She turned to glower at the culprit, who at least had the decency to look guilty.

Byleth looked up from her fishing guide.

Her class blinked up at her like deer in lamp light.

The clock ticked on in the corner.

“There’s probably a lesson in here about how there is no such thing as fair play on the battle field.” Byleth said, turning the page in her book. “But Edelgard is right. Keep going, I won’t be turning back time for this.”

Byleth buried her head back into trout species. “And put your damn phones away… kids these days.”

…

**Dorothea** **>>> ‘illegal collusion’ (11:33am)**

**Dorothea**: @**edie** I can’t believe you didn’t get drawn up for yelling in a test!

**ferdie**: what the fuck??? How did you just get away with that???

**edie**: Messaging the chat is not the intended use of your extra time allowance.

**ferdie**: this time is mine step off!!

**caspie**: but HOW did u get away with that???

**edie**: Professor Byleth asked me into her office the other week. She offered me tea, said I had “31 charisma” and then said she was proud of me.

**edie**: I think that means I can get away with this.

**Dorothea >>> BAEdelgard (11:35am)**

**Dorothea**: waiiit Edie, was this last Sunday?

**Dorothea**: is this why I saw you crying? Because byleth is proud of you?

**Dorothea**: edie you’re so precious

**BAEdelgard**: Have you done the questions on the back, Dorothea?

**Dorothea**: oh no oh fuck

**Bern Baby Bern >>> Byleth’s Babes (1:49pm)**

**Bern Baby Bern: **hi uhh I realised where petra got her memes from

**Bern Baby Bern: **..us..

**Bern Baby Bern**: .. scroll up to last week ^^

**Dorthy**: oh no

**Dorthy**: dear Goddess, what have we done

**Eagle Supreme**: As head of house, and indeed the future emperor of Adrestia, I must take responsibility for my actions.

**Red Leader >>> cat herders (2:01pm)**

**Red Leader**: Attention, please.

**Red** **Leader**: I hereby accept full responsibility for Petra’s memes.

**Red Leader**: Claude, you have my apologies for the false accusations I leveled at you.

**Red Leader**: Dimitri, you still are not relevant.

**Yellow Leader**: I smugly and humbly accept your apology, princess ヘ( ^o^)ノ＼(^_^ )

**Yellow Leader**: she still hasn’t stopped then?

**Red Leader**: does it look like she’s stopped Claude

**Red Leader**: does it

**Red Leader**: I haven’t had a meme-free classroom in weeks

**Blue Leader**: edelgard, you’ve never had a meme free classroom

**Yellow Leader**: he has a point, finally!!

**Yellow Leader**: welcome back to relevance Dimitri

**Blue Leader**: you make my life hell

**hubie >>> ill-EAGLE collusion (7:13pm)**

**hubie**: **@Lady Edelgard**, would you like me to take care of that student who gravely insulted you.

**hubie**: it would be my pleasure to remove his existence from your vicinity.

**ferdie**: woah what happened???

**edie**: Hubert, I appreciate the concern and the offer, but you need not remove every man who insults me.

**hubie:** a degenerate from the lions called our leader a word fit for a female dog. I refuse to repeat such a use of language.

**Dorothea**: I will remove him

**darling** **petra**: I shall help! Who is the clown we are hurting?

**edie**: I appreciate the support, but it really is unnecessary. I haven’t paid him any mind.

**Professor** **Baeleth**: so i should be telling you not to kill other students

**Professor** **Baeleth**: but just do it where I can’t give you detention for it lol

**ferdie**: oh my goddess what is happening

**Dorothea**: ferdie if you don’t stop that we’ll add you to Dimitri shaming time

**hubie**: Thank you, professor.

**Professor** **Baeleth**: i'll get hammerman to give him detention too lol

**sylvie**: not that I am ~ in any way complaining ~ 

**sylvie**: but when the fuck did professor get added to the chat

**Sylvain >>> Party Gays (1:07pm) **

**Sylvain**: hello my darling friends guess who just got

**Sylvain**: ⟡ · ° : * ⟡ INJURED * :·°⟡*:·°

**Ingrid**: obviously I hope you’re ok but I want you to know that was the most in character text you’ve ever sent me

**Leonie**: where are you? Do you need help?

**Ferdinand**: nah we’re in the infiirmary

**Ferdinand**: isssall good

**Ingrid**: what did you even do

**Sylvain**: might have trained with lances too hard. Maybe smacked each other in the head. Maybe at the same time. Maybe we blacked out. Maybe we both have concussions.

**Ferdinand**: Manuela has such a powerful restore spell

**Ferdinand**: what a woman she is

**Edelgard**: Get off your phones, you have concussions.

**Ferdinand**: how ?? did u Know that edie????

**Edelgard**: Because I took you to the infirmary. I’m sat next to you. You also just told the chat. Give me the phone.

**Sylvain**: _[blurred picture taken on a 45__° angle of the infirmary. The picture shows Sylvain’s legs under a white blanket on the bed, his bare feet poking out the end. Edelgard is reaching over the bed from the right, trying to swipe Ferdinand’s phone out his hand. Ferdinand sits with his back to the camera, legs draped over the arm of the blue infirmary chair, and holding his phone high above his face. He has a large white bandage wrapped around his head, and his hair fluffs over the top.] _

**Leonie**: shit like this is why the party gays should never have broken away from the normie gays

**Leonie: **it’s so fucking beautiful

**Dimitri >>> Hubert (Edelgard Guy) (11:26pm)**

**Dimitri**: et tu, hube?

**Hubert**: I am still not affiliated with you.

…

**Hubert >>> Lady Edelgard (11:28pm)**

**Hubert** _sent a screenshot [the exchange of texts with Dimitri. Dimitri’s contact name is “Pasta Boy (potential threat)”]_

**Hubert**: Now may I softblock him, Lady Edelgard?

**Lady Edelgard**: Please, if not for your sanity then for mine. 

**Hanneman >>> tested professors (10:35am)**

**Hanneman** _added _**Seteth**_ to the chat 'tested professors'_

**Seteth**: Thank you, Professor Hanneman.

**Seteth**: Ms Eisner, I have been asked by the Lady Rhea to stop you from adopting the monastery cats. You have gathered quite enough of them already. Please allow for some of them to be returned to the monastery grounds.

**Seteth**: and please, stop referring to them by ‘fish’. They are mammals.

**Byleth**: no they r my most diligent students

**Seteth**: Ms Eisner. I am two steps away from a migraine. If the cats have replaced the Black Eagle students, then so be it. But please, can you at least stop calling them fish? I fear Flayn may be influenced by your poor grasp of biology.

**Byleth**: fine. I will refer to them by species of fish.

**Byleth**: all ginger cats are now called loach

**Seteth**: Please give Flayn an encyclopaedia and stop talking to her.

**Bernadetta >>> Slings And Arrows (4:33pm)**

**Bernadetta**: You ever get tired of being nice

**Bernadetta**: you ever just want to go apeshit

**Bernadetta**: to go absolutely feral

**Ignatz**: what happened?

**Bernadetta**: Linhardt existed near me

**Ashe**: mood

**Linnie >>> Edel-GUARDS (11:59 am)**

**Linnie**: who even is flayn?

**darling petra**: she’s baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dorothea and ferdie get extra time in exams because im dyslexic and I project, next question
> 
> this chapter is brought to you by two migraines and the constant itching need to edit everything i write 
> 
> there's at least 1 more chapter i want to write for this but i'm hoping i can get another 2 out of this before someone shuts this down for the collective good of the world  
(also i made some revisions to the previous chapter nudge nudge wink wink there's more meme)


	5. in which the heron is out of the bag

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spoilers that the white heron cup exists? and for sylvain's dancing .  
claude causes havoc and the eagle girls need to go to sleep

**ferdie** **>>> we're soaring.. flying.. (house chat) (12:16pm)**

**ferdie:** so the group icon is summer ball edelgard again

**ferdie:** should we think about changing it???

**Dorothea:** no

**Darling** **Petra**: we do not

**caspie**: nO!!!!!!

**linnie:** absolutely not

**edie:** Who am I to deny the people what they want, Ferdinand?

**caspie**: YEEAAAAAH nothing could possibly beat drunk edelgard 

**edie**: **@hubie** just chalk that one up to a complement and stand down

**Dorothea:** we'll see if the winter ball will yield any new pictures :^)

**Dorthy >>> Byleth's Babes (12:43pm)**

**Dorthy:** SO we're getting plastered at the winter ball ladies? :^)

**Dorthy:** Edie you have a title as the reigning party gay to defend

**Eagle Supreme:** This term has been exhausting, so I would appreciate the opportunity to become

**Eagle Supreme:** as is said

**Eagle Supreme:** rat-arsed

**Darling Petra:** Hooray!! :D We shall party properly!!

**Eagle Supreme:** Of course, Bernie, please do not feel you have to drink. all we want is your company

**Dorthy:** !!!! very much bernie, please come this year!

**Darling Petra:** We could not celebrate without you Bernie :)

**Bern Baby Bern:** .. will there be cake?

**Dorthy**: I will personally guarantee there is cake

**Darling Petra:** I will personally guarantee Dorothea does not bake the cake

**Eagle Supreme**: There will be cake worthy of the name, yes.

**Bern Baby Bern**: .. then i suppose i could come for a few minutes maybe !!!

**Bern Baby Bern: **:)

**Dorthy**: shopping trip !!! I’m calling shopping trip!!!

**Dorthy**: goddess this chat is so wholesome

**Eagle** **Supreme**: You literally just called yourself wholesome

**Darling** **Petra**: Self care :)

**Dorothea >>> BAEdelgard (12:47pm)**

**Dorothea:** we're getting rat-arsed are we?

**BAEdelgard:** Yes

**Dorothea:** nice 

**Ferdinand >>> Party Gays (5:07pm)**

**Ferdinand**: are we all ready for me to Finally prove my status as a Party Gay at the ball???

**Leonie**: never been more ready for a disaster in my life

**Leonie**: including flood season in the village

**Claude**: truly the only quality that divides us all.. those who are party gays and those who aren’t

**Claude**: for instance, hilda cannot be bothered to prove her party gay status and therefore isn’t allowed in the chat

**Ingrid**: only Official Party Gays in this chat lads

**Ingrid**: speaking of

**Ingrid**: Edelgard are we making a repeat performance of the last ball?

**Edelgard**: Perhaps.

**Dorothea**: we’re getting rat-arsed

**Ingrid**: HECK YEAH

**Ferdinand**: Then I will get absolutely rat-arsed too

**Leonie**: DOUBLE HECK YEAH

**Sylvain**: so we might actually die this time ok then

**Sylvain**: just so I know what my schedule looks like

_Claude created the chat “If We All Storm The Goddess Tower They Can’t Stop Us All”_

_Claude added ‘Blue Lions List’, ‘Black Eagles List’, ‘Golden Deer List’, Flayn_

**Claude >>> If We All Storm The Goddess Tower They Can’t Stop Us All (3:01am)**

**Claude**: hello fellow kids

**Claude**: welcome to the new year wide chat

**Claude**: rule 1: don’t be racist

**Claude**: rule 2: collusion absolutely encouraged

**Claude**: rule 3: keep the nicknames to a minimum so we can actually tell who’s talking

**Claude**: now go .. be free .. ;)

**Annette**: FELIX WELCOME TO YOUR FIRST DISASTER GROUP CHAT!!!!!!!!!!!

**Sylvain**: I can literally see you reading this across the common room felix

**Ingrid**: HI FELIX

**Leonie**: I can’t tell if this chat is a good thing or a bad thing

**Hilda**: oh it’s definitely bad ;D

**Dimitri**: Claude, why have you done this

**Dimitri**: was it something I did because i’ll do anything to undo this

**Claude**: :^) for the meme

**Marianne**: hilda how do I mute this chat again? x

**Hilda**: omw babe I’ll shut these dicks up for you xx

**Dorothea**: awwww 💖💖💖

**Dorothea**: this chat just got blessed!!!

**Linhardt**: dorothea she called us all dicks how is this blessed

**Sylvain ** _changed the group icon to blurred picture of Felix walking (it looks remarkably similar to the Bigfoot shadow)_

**Sylvain**: spotted

**Annette**: now the chat just got CURSED!!!

**Ingrid**: that’s so savage omg

**Lysithea**: claude what the fuck have you done

**Hilda**: someone tell her language pls

**Sylvain**: language pls

**Lysithea**: claude you taught me how to swear, you and hilda have zero right to censor me now

**Flayn**: oh claude would you also teach me how to swear please? :)

**Dorothea**: **@Claude **OK I’ll help you teach!!!

**Claude**: **@flayn @lysithea** remedial offensive language sessions in the gazebo after prep this evening :^)

**Edelgard**: I know nothing about this and I don’t want to know

**Edelgard**: I have to at least pretend look innocent before Seteth once you both corrupt her

**Claude:** praise be to our overlord ofc 🙏

**Annette** _ changed the group image to [Picture of Seteth eating broccoli]_

**Ingrid:** ok i'll bite. where the fuck did you get that

**Flayn:** me !!!! :D

**Hilda:** i can't believe the eagles are squandering all this savage

**Ferdinand Von Aegir:** UHH where do you think she got it from????

[_Linhardt deleted the chat_ _If We All Storm The Goddess Tower They Can’t Stop Us All”]_

**sylvie >>> we're soaring.. flying.. (house chat) (3:24am)**

**sylvie**: Linnie what the FUCK

**Dorothea:** why would you destroy the chat like that lin?

**linnie**: it was disturbing my sleep

**caspie**: then put yur phone on silent??

**linnie**: no

**sylvie**: damn that’s valid

**Claude >>> Princess Edie (11:43pm)**

**Claude**: so how are you doing today princess edgelord? 😏😏😏

**Claude**: seen any vermin? 

**Claude**: or are you just being an edgelord? 😏😏😏

**Princess** **Edie**: Did you message me just to use the nickname?

**Claude**: maybe so

**Princess** **Edie**: I’m in the library just come and play chess with me

**Princess** **Edie**: It’s less exhausting than reading your messages

**Claude**: don't you want to hear about flayn's progress in extracurricular vocabulary lessons? :^)

**Princess** **Edie**: I have an innocent veneer to maintain don’t even think about it

**Princess** **Edie**: I thought we agreed Seteth could smell fear

**Claude:** much like the library printer, yes

**Claude:** Flayn neither confirmed nor denied that theory

**Ca-SPAR >>> Training Ground Pals (4:26pm)**

**Ca-SPAR**: GUYS prof byleth taught me how to take out heavy armour can any1 practice w me???

**Ca-SPAR:** guys I know u all read this someone reply u dicks

**Raphael** **Rumble**: i can train with u caspar :D let me go get my axe and I’ll be there soon

**Ca-SPAR:** YEEESSSSS RAPHAEL LET’S GOOO

**Felix:** I will also help you train. I am already there.

**Ca-SPAR:** YEEEEEEAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!

**Ca-SPAR:** TIME TO CRACK OPEN AN ARMOR KNIGHT WITH THE BOIS!!!!

**Ingrid**: on serios I will kick your ass in the next tournament for that joke caspar

**Ingrid**: @edelgard control your house I beg you

**Edelgard:** don't forget to freeze the armour first to crack open a cold one caspar

**Hilda >>> Year Wide Chat Two [Thoron Boogaloo] (9:53pm)**

**Hilda**: sooo are we all excited for the heron cup 😏

**Hilda**: can we say who’s participating yet ??

**Hilda**: this chat IS for collusion after all 🙏😏🔥

**Annette**: I AM!!!!!!! :D :D :D

**Hilda**: Annette I am So Excited to see you dance!!! You’ll be lovely !!

**Hilda**: not as lovely as our ignatz ofc but still lovely!!

**Caspar**: we eagles will maintain the element of SURPRISE!!

**Caspar:** rip to you guys but we’re different

**Ferdinand von Aegir:** the eagles are a locked book, there will be no secrets leaked from us!!!!!

**Hilda:** awwwww c’mon I thought you were all about being punk rock and breaking rules ;)

**Lysithea:** is really knowing the candidates going to help or hinder anyone either way. You may as well say because all the candidates have tutoring anyway, it’s not like it’s a secret.

**Ferdinand von Aegir:** No!!! it’s the principal of the thing

**Ferdinand von Aegir:** but we’re still punk rock

**Petra:** our lips are stuck! We will say nothing! :<

**Ferdie:** it’s our lips are sealed, Petra (:

**Petra:** that is what I said yes!

**Linhardt:** it’s **@sylvain**

**Leonie:** YEAH **@lorenz** pay up bitch I was RIGHT

**Ferdinand Von Aegir:** linhardt why would you forsake us so????

**Lorenz: @leonie** please refrain from calling me a bitch, it’s uncouth

**Leonie:** im charging you double for being a noble ass then

**Lysithea:** seems fair

**Sylvain:** ayyyyyy check out this sweet selfie I got with byleth and manuela at dance practice

**Claude:** is that.. hanneman.. photobombing in the background

**Ingrid:** where did byleth get that fish?

**Ferdinand Von Aegir:** is Manuela holding a croquet mallet???

**Sylvain:** you bet your sweet asses it is. And it’s a masterpiece.

**Claude** _changed the chat icon to [cropped picture of professor byleth standing with a cooked fish, and staring down the camera. The fish is nestled in tin foil, is partly eaten and has two forks sticking out of it]_

**Dorothea:** claude is out here doing the good work

**Sylvain:** ms byleth’s thot squad is GO

**Lysithea:** isn’t that just the eagles house chat

**Sylvain: @edelgard** I think we just got called the fuck out

**Claude: **hey ! no swearing in front of the child

**Lysithea:** I will end your whole fucking career claude

**Lysithea**: don't arm me if you can't handle the fucking fallout 

**sylvie >>> shut up we’re so punk rock (house chat) (10:36pm)**

**sylvie:** so anyway how the fuck were your guys evenings

**ferdie:** excuse me!!!!

**ferdie:** There will be no swearing in this good Seirosian group chat

**linnie:** stop trying to make fetch happen ferdie

**edie:** this is my chat and you can swear all you fucking want

**edie:** except Ferdinand.

**caspie:** FeRdInAnD sHaMiNg HoUrS !!!!!!!

**dorothea:** :^)

**sylvie:** we just can’t rest can we

**ferdie:** hEY I thought Lorenz was next on the eagle house shaming list????

**ferdie:** betrayed in my own fucking home

**hubie:** what did lady Edelgard just say about your fucking language

** Darling Petra >>> Byleth's Babes (4:08am) **

**Darling Petra:** I have a joke!! please watch me!! :)

**Darling Petra:** this bread empty

**Darling Petra** _sent a picture of flour and salt in a yellow bowl_

**Darling Petra** _ sent a picture of flour, salt and yeast in a yellow bowl, on a 45° angle_

**Darling Petra:** YEAST

**Dorthy:** what have we done

**Bern Baby Bern** we must accept the just punishment for our numerous sins, is what :<

**Eagle Supreme:** Did you just imply the divine will of the goddess is being distributed by Petra's memes

**Bern Baby Bern:** ... i think so? ...

**Dorthy:** do you think there's an alternate timeline where we never taught petra about memes

**Eagle Supreme:** Yes

**Bern Baby Bern:** . yeah

**Darling Petra: **with regret, yes also

**Dorthy:** country roads.. take me home... to the timeline... i belong..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all think i edited this.. oh honey  
i make no apologies for the baking pun 🙏  
next up is the prerequisite christmas chapter and the finale oho


	6. in which the party gets turnt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i didn't intend for this to be a party fic but ?? big sylvain energy  
heads up this features underage drinking, drunk behaviour and antics, and inappropriate and negligent actions from teaching staff. _ hoo boy ___

**Annette** >>>** if i had the chance i'd ask the world 2 dance :^) (9:02am)**

**Annette:** I am!!! SO Jittery!!!! 

**Annette:** !! GOOD LUCK !!! if i forget to say it in person !! :D 

**Ignatz:** we're meeting at the knights hall to get ready, right?

**Sylvain:** shit fuck i lost my outfit 

**Ignatz:** this is it.. this how we die

**Annette:** by failing to prepare to dance???

**Annette:** or by the dancing in front of everyone at garreg mach????

**Ignatz:** yes.

**Sylvain** >>> **Egeldard (9:49am)**

**Sylvain:** so you know how professor took you to tea that one time

**Sylvain:** and told you your charisma had numerical value

**Egeldard:** So how much do you have?

**Sylvain:** 22 ??

**Sylvain:** prof also shoved a cup of mint tea at me & told me to chug. what the fuck.

**Sylvain:** i know we're missing Tea Time Sunday for the ball tmrw but 

**Sylvain:** ???

**Egeldard:** Why would we even try to question Teacher at this point

**caspie >>> birds of a feather... :^) (11:58am)**

**caspie** _changed the chat name to_ '**WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!!!!!**'

**caspie:** HECK YEAH WE ABSOLUTELY SMASHED IT SYLVAIN

**linnie:** we? we stood on the sidelines and borderline heckled, caspie.

**ferdie:** HECK YEAH WE SMASHED IT !!!!

**ferdie:** You were resplendent Sylvain!!!! 

**sylvie:** 👌👌👌 np 

**edie:** Our victory was absolute thanks to your hard work, Sylvain.

**edie:** A victory of such a scale demands celebration. :)

**sylvie:** HECK YEAH LET'S ABSOLUTELY GET SMASHED 

**ferdie:** HECK YEAH !!!!

**Dorothea:** we meant like get cake in the dining hall but

**Dorothea:** if you want to get pissed at 12pm no one here will stop you

**hubie:** I will stop you. We have a reputation to uphold

**ferdie:** a reputation to uphold as the fuckin Party House !!!!

**edie:** that's your second strike Ferdinand. one more and you're going on mute.

**caspie:** ASHJASGFVDSH FUCKIN W H A T 

**caspie:** how??? did you mess u??p that bad ferd?????

**Claude >>> Bestie :3 (2:26pm)**

**Claude:** Mornin Hilda :3

**Claude:** have you decided if you're joining Party Gays for winter ball yet??

**Bestie :3** : mmm still considering :3

**Bestie :3** : I want to Actually Remember my first dance w/ Marianne u know :'3

**Claude:** gods babe you're wholesome :3

**Claude:** i'm going to try get the PGs to play spin the bottle 

**Claude: **dot dot dot :3

**Bestie :3** : babe you continue to inspire chaos in every part of your social life

**Claude:** tis a gift 

**Darling Petra >>> Byleth's Babes (3:00pm)**

**Darling Petra**: We are meeting in Dorothea's room later today for dressing up? :)

**Dorthy:** yes!! Bernie & I are already here so you & edie are welcome any time you like !! :)

**Darling Petra:** :D 

**Eagle Supreme:** Would you like me to bring any cakes? I'm passing the dining hall atm

**Darling Petra:** :D :D :D

**Darling Petra:** that is SWEET of you, Edelgard :)

**Bern Baby Bern:** . i would like cake please ! :)

**Darling Petra:** I will go ask Professor for tea! :)

**Bern Baby Bern:** . and then will you maybe help me pick between the purple and the navy dress?!!/.

**Bern Baby Bern:** Dorothea is trying to help me but i,, ;-;

**Dorthy:** full eagle consensus is needed ofc 👌

**Darling Petra:** on my way !!! :D

**Eagle Supreme:** As am I :)

**Dorthy:** hey edie :^) 

**Dorthy:** can you get cinnamon rolls.. too sweet for this world.. too pure

**Dorthy**: like this chat !!! :')

**Hilda >>> Normie Gays (4:32pm)**

**Hilda:** everyone batten down the Normie Gay Hatches for tonight !!

**Hilda:** Claude has ofc sworn me to secrecy for the fking Party Gay plans

**Hilda:** but it's just tequila.

**Linhardt:** i'm already Tired.

**Dimitri:** that?? sounds troubling??

**Hilda:** lmao they'll all be fiiiine 

**Hilda:** hot damn messes, each of them

**Hilda:** but fiiiine

**Claude:** one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, claude :^)

**Claude **>>>** Party Gays (6:18pm)**

**Claude:** hey guys look what prof byleth gave me for being her favourite student

**Claude:** _sent a picture __[selfie of claude and byleth. Byleth is looking very solemnly at the camera, claude is holding a bottle of champagne by the neck and grinning ear to ear.]_

**Dorothea:** HEY NOW

**Edelgard:** shut your DAMN mouth

**Sylvain:** a consolation prize for being 4th best you mean

**Ferdinand:** she would NEVER betray us MAJESTIC eagles

**Ingrid:** ok so the eagles went for pre’s

**Ingrid:** good work lads

**Leonie:** @eagle bitches when are you getting here??

**Claude:** don’t want to drink this byleth juice without her squad here

**Dorothea:** \- HEY NOW -

**Dorothea:** that’s my joke and you fucking know it

**Sylvain:** _sent a __video [Dorothea is drinking champagne at the black eagle group gathering, at a less than flattering angle. A handmade cloth eagles logo has been taped to the front of the glass.]_

**Ingrid:** I beg you not to say it

**Sylvain:** I’m gonna say it

**Dorothea:** don’t you dare

**Sylvain:** :^)

**Ferdinand:** he said it

**Ingrid >>> Year Wide Chat Two [Thoron Boogaloo] (6:21pm)**

**Ingrid:** dorothea gave sylvain a black eye and refuses to heal him

**Ingrid:** can we get a medic to the bird nest please?

**Linhardt:** I'm stood next to him, Ingrid. I've done it.

**Lorenz:** But what occurred?

**Dorothea:** consequences.

**Lysithea: **It's going to be a long, long evening then.

**Leonie >>> Party Gays (7:44pm)**

**Leonie** _added Hubert_

**Leonie:** we need a normie gay to temper the chaos

**Leonie:** I thought it may as well be hubert considering he hasn’t stopped LOITERING

**Hubert:** would you prefer I left the consequences of the heir to the adrestian empire getting hurt in your incompetent, intoxicated hands?

**Hubert:** I’m doing you all a favour.

**Edelgard:** Hubie!!! :D

**Claude:** oH HUBIE :D

**Ingrid:** HUBIE

**Ferdinand:** H U B I E

**Hubert:** will the torment never end.

**Dimitri >>> Normie Gays (8:13pm)**

**Dimitri:** so did anyone else just see Claude, Ingrid and Ferdie do 5 shots each

**Dimitri:** please tell me no.

**Linhardt:** yes. unfortunately that happened.

**Mercedes:** Us medics are keeping an eye on them! :)

**Linhardt**: we are.?

**Marianne**: .. we are????

**Ashe:** this night is a disaster

**Claude >>> Party Gays (8:26pm)**

**Claude:** YES HILDA !!! 

**Claude** _added Hilda to the chat_

**Claude:** Hilda downed her wine !!!!

**Claude:** one of us one of us!!!

**Ingrid:** YAAY Hilda have you come to join us !!!

**Claude:** wait hilda,, what are you doing,, 

**Claude:** how could you betray me and everything i stand for

**Leonie:** ??? what 

**Claude:** Hilda why would you order a pot of tea at the bar

**Edelgard:** h!!! what kind of teaa hilda? 

**Hilda:** lavender! :3

**Dorothea:** !!!!! y'all so cute say hi to marianne for me!!!

**Claude** _removed Hilda from the chat_

**Ferdie:** only party gays in this chat :< bye hilda !!

**Leonie:** she's already dead to us ferdo. 

**Claude >>> Bestie :3 (8:31pm)**

**Claude:** HILDA I LOVE YOU 

**Claude:** Hilda pls know,, i respect u and ur tea choices,, u mean the world 2 me babe

**Claude:** u and mar have the nicest knight ily both :3

**Hilda:** babe ily 2 :3

**Hilda:** drink some water with ur respecting women juice tho

**Sylvain >>> Party Gays (8:42pm)**

**Sylvain:** wait fuck hubert you're gay? 

**Hubert:** I don't know how you manage to constantly forget this fact considering the sheer volume of jokes you make to me about gay sex

**Hubert:** but yes, I've expressed interest in men.

**Edelgard:** hubie is valid :)

**Leonie:** what the fuck is the eagle house

**Seteth >>> tested professors (8:46pm)**

**Seteth:** I’m not one for shutting my eyes and pretending the disaster isn’t happening, but can someone go check on that group of students? I need to get Flayn out of their vicinity.

**Byleth** _changed the group name to _**drunk student lookout**

**Byleth:** no wait

**Byleth** _changed the chat name to _**professional party poopers**

**Byleth:** 🎉 

**Seteth:** Ms Eisner, this is hardly professional. 

**Manuela:** she’s not wrong thoooo

**Hanneman** _changed the chat name to _**professional party poopers + manuela**

**Byleth: 👌 **

**Seteth:** I despise each of you.

**Seteth:** I clock out at 9. Make sure none of them pitch off the pier. 

**Seteth:** Despite Ms Eisner's best efforts, none of her students are actually fish.

**Edelgard >>> Party Gays (9:23pm)**

**Edelgard:** there’s no such thing as original thought

**Edelgard:** only different perspectives melded together to create an echo

**Edelgard:** if all art is derivative

**Edelgard:** then all thoughts derived from art and external stimuli are also derivative

**Edelgard:** do we even have free will

**Edelgard:** or are we controlled by the media we're exposed to

**Ingrid:** ok who the fuck let Edelgard have an existential crisis

**Dorothea:** im right next to her dw

**Dorothea:** we’re in bathrooms

**Dorothea:** she’s saying more than she’s typing so you’re all fucking welcome

**Edelgard:** dowothea :(

**Ingrid >>> Party Gays (9:38pm)**

**Ingrid:** anyone seen Ferdinand von Aegir???

**Sylvain:** WEr’e Bathrooms

**Hubert:** I'm on my way in with water.

**Claude:** Hubert Caring Hours????

**Hubert:** Lady Edelgard, you’re welcome.

**Edelgard:** :D

**Ferdinand >>> Party Gays (9:42pm)**

**Ferdinand:** Waiiiit what was egeldard’s existantiel crisis last year??

**Ferdinand:** was i even here for that???

**Claude:** it was ‘life must be lived on your own terms else you’re living someone else’s wants and wills’ and then sylvain pointed out society existed & all hell broke loose

**Ferdinand:** w. 

**Edelgard:** !!!! im RIGHT 

**Dorothea:** @**hubie** meet us in the eagle nest. Im only one bitch. Im not strong enough for this again.

**Mercedes >>> Normie Gays (10:51pm)**

**Mercedes:** has anyone seen the party gays?

**Mercedes:** Professor Byleth wanted to tell them to stay hydrated! :)

**Lysithea:** they’re in the eagle common room

**Ferdinand:** how do u know our secrets????

**Lysithea:** because you’re fucking loud, Ferdinand.

**Lysithea:** and because Claude told me Edelgard refused to go in a common room that wasn’t hers under ‘house pride’

**Manuela >>> Responsible Faculty Members + Manuela (11:56pm)**

**Manuela:** ahdhfjebehfjskshd

**Hannemann:** Here we go

**Manuela:** seteth you sexy BEAST

**Manuela:** you STiill owe me a dAnce from 1171 

**Manuela:** BEAST !!!1!

**Hannemann:** Good Goddess Manuela, could you not give us all one night without your nonsense? 

**Manuela:** ahh. a Bastard

**Seteth:** Manuela, may I make the suggestion that you go to sleep like everyone else at this hour? 

**Byleth:** omw manuela i'll dance w u

**Sylvain >>> Party Gays (12:12pm)**

**Sylvain:** AJHGFVASSDSFB MY GAYS

**Sylvain: @everyone**

**Claude:** we’re in the eagle common room, where you left us all 3 minutes ago to go piss & get drinks

**Sylvain: **Claude i know i did that. i was there

**Sylvain:** anyway,.

**Sylvain:** PROFESSSOR AND CASAGRANDA . ARE TOGETHER

**Dorothea:** I FU CKIN G KNEW IT

**Ingrid:** ???? what

**Leonie:** They’re fucking Ingrid

**Sylvain:** NONO they were making out

**Sylvain:** but the drama level is still up there

**Edelgard:** my teacher is gay

**Edelgard:** oh my goddess shes gay

**Claude:** that’s also very gay of you gaydelgard

**Dorothea:** claude for fucks sake did we not just spent 30 mins talking her out of a breakdown

**Sylvain:** the Mercedes in me says to remind you teach could be bi nd it's not our business 

**Sylvain:** the sylvain in me says im omw with champagne to celebrate this victory for the thot squad

**Leonie:** y’all know we’re all on our phones and we’re literally sat next to each other

**Leonie >>> Party Gays (2:07am)**

**Leonie:** ok very funny where are u all

**Leonie:** if u don't tell me where y'all r i'm giving these chips all to Raphael

**Ingrid:** trainin ground

**Claude:** weapons cupboard :3

**Hubert:** we are sprawled out in the middle of the training grounds. no weapons

**Edelgard:** dorothea's sass is a weapon dont be rude :(

**Leonie**: fucking . hell

**Leonie:** i'm bringing more alcohol i can't deal with that whilst this sober

**sylvie** **>>>** **How Do Birds Learn ...?** **(2:34am)**

**sylvie** _sent a video [Edelgard and Ferdinand loudly slurring compliments at Dorothea, who's crying with laughter & plaiting their hair together. Edelgard and Ferdinand both have their head in Dorothea's lap. Dorothea is sat upright and leaning against a disgruntled looking Hubert, who's downing swigs of vodka from a litre bottle]_

**sylvie:** :') beautiful

**bernie:** .. what have you shown us sylvain . ??

**darling petra**: oh they will be needing a strong breakfast tomorrow

**sylvie** **>>>** **Owlgebra class** **(2:45pm)**

**sylvie** _changed the group icon to [picture of Edelgard taken after the winter ball formally ended 4hrs ago. Edelgard is crouched on the grass, dabbing whilst flipping off the camera. In the background, Ferdinand is face down on the grass in his formalwear, Dorothea has a foot on his back and her arms raised in victory. In the far back is Hubert, face buried in his hands. Claude stands behind him, hands spayed either side of Hubert's face, in the secret sign of the Golden Deer]_

**Professor Baeleth**: lol

**Professor Baeleth**: be safe drink water don't die bc that's paperwork 4 me

**darling petra:** i will bring them water!! i am on my way to our common room :)

**Professor Baeleth:** Petra you pass this entire term with an A* youre an star

**darling petra:** :) i will not hold you to this promise, professor! I will earn my grades

**Professor Baeleth**: im going to buy u so many swords petra. so many swords 

**Professor Baeleth**: i will ensure you are the deadliest weapon this army will have. you will crit everything in your path. you will be so fast you will never get loose hp again.

**Professor Baeleth**: the gods of this world will tremble before your power before the year is out, by this i swear petra

**darling petra**: . i do not know what this means.

**manuela >>> babeleth (3:36am)**

**manuela:** that was quite the dance my dear

**babeleth:** np 👌

**babeleth**: catch u on the flip side babe

**Professor Baeleth >>> oh worm?? theyre snacc. (8:31am)**

**Professor Baeleth**: class . cancelled

**Professor Baeleth**: i do not like hangovers

**Professor Baeleth**: can i expel hangovers

**Professor Baeleth**: soz that was 4 seteth

**linnie:** professor, we don’t have class, it’s cancelled 

**linnie:** There’s choir practice at 10am, are we going to that?

**Professor Baeleth:** fuck no

**edie**: no

**Dowothea:** i’ll die

**linnie:** then i'm going back to sleep

**caspie:** AhA they AWakEn!!!! 

**caspie:** how r you guys feeling???

**Dowothea:** please type quieter

**caspie:** oh my god she said please to me 

**caspie:** wait. why is dowothea called dowothea

**caspie:** what th

**caspie:** what the fuck is in the icon

**linnie**: time for you to finally backread the chat, caspie

**Byleth >>> lettuce man (8:34am)**

**Byleth:** hey can i expel the notion of hangovers 

**Lettuce man**: Ms Eisner, delete my private number this instance.

**Lettuce** **man**: and no, no you can't.

**Lettuce man**: every day i curse your position in this school, Ms Eisner.

**Byleth**: dude do u want to teach the chickens how to get away with murder jus in bello or what

**Lettuce man**: Ms Eisner what in the name of Seiros are you teaching them

_[this number is blocked and cannot be contacted]_

**Lettuce man:** Ms Eisner. 

_[this number is blocked and cannot be contacted]_

**Lettuce man:** _Ms Eisner what have you been teaching them._

_[this number is blocked and cannot be contacted]_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this actually got too long so the wrap up jokes get a whole ass chapter !! yea  
fun fact: 'ahh. a Bastard' is my favourite line i've ever written :3
> 
> . this chapter somewhat glorifies an unhealthy relationship w/ alcohol and i personally can't post that w/o also providing links about recovery and having a healthy relationship with drugs/alcohol, whatever that may look like for the individual. these are geared towards teens/young adults to reflect the age of the characters. x  
https://www.addaction.org.uk/  
https://www.talktofrank.com/  
https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/your-feelings/feelings-emotions/addiction/


	7. In which drama is started right in front of Byleth's salad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which some actions have some just deserts, some don't, and the ashen wolves suddenly exist.
> 
> (In which the author was going to call it a day, but uhhhh. 2020 happened ayhey.)

**Leonie >>> Party Gays (10:12AM)**

**Leonie:** so we agree

**Leonie:** nothing that we said last night will leave the training ground

**Hubert:** You may rest in the knowledge your mutual destruction will be absolute.

**Hubert:** and that any attempts you make to share the events of last night would be utterly pointless and would only serve to dramatically shorten your lifespan

**Dorothea:** stop using polysyllabic words im hungover we get it

**Dorothea:** secrets spilled and we get killed

**Ingrid:** we literally pinkie promised not to spill why the fuck is this discussion even happening

**Hubert:** Yes, of course, my mistake Ser Ingrid, the integrity of a school-hood pinky promise is truly sacrosanct.

**Claude:** UH it sure is bitch

**Edelgard:** U RLLY GET IT CLAUDE

**Dorothea:** they’re both still drunk aren’t they

**Hubert:** Off their asses, yes.

**Edelgard >>> Dorothea (11:31am)**

**Edelgard:** Dorothea! Queen! I have drunk water! :)

**Dorothea:** so fucking proud of u now please sleep xxxx

**Hubert >>> Hilda (unlikely threat) (11:45am)**

**Hubert:** Collect your house leader and responsibilities.

**Hubert:** He's fallen asleep on the chessboard.

**Hilda (unlikely threat):** ahaaaa ofc he has :P

**Hilda (unlikely threat):** snap a pic for me babe?

**Hubert:** Just for that, I don't think I shall.

**Hilda (unlikely threat):** but it's for blackmail purposes

**Hilda (unlikely threat):** isnt that. like. ur entire aesthetic 

**Dorothea >>> Party Gays (3:24pm)**

**Dorothea: **now that no one's brain is trying to hammer out their skulls

**Leonie**: wow speak for yourself

**Dorothea:** lads. I think I found something

**Dorothea:** I think we might have broken the social network system

**Dorothea:** with our party-orientated homosexual inclinations

**Leonie:** what

**Claude:** Is this about what I think it is? >:3

**Dorothea** _sent a screenshot of her social messaging app. It has the time (3:34pm), battery percentage (8%), and a list of her most recent message recipients. The names of the group read in descending order:_

> **Party Gays**  
**Baedelgard **  
**Normie Gays**  
**Normie Gays**  
**Normie Gays**  
**Bernie Bear **  
**THOT ** _(Sylvain)_  
**sniper no sniping ** _(Claude)_

**Dorothea:** why are 3 major chats named normie gays

**Ingrid:** ok who did this bc it must have been one of our asses

**Claude:** excuse you, i type with my hands

**Ferdie:** Where is,,, the lie tho,,,

**Sylvain:** the normie gay chat was like half the year

**Sylvain:** and tbf it wasn’t even everyone who’s not straight 

**Sylvain:** sooooo

**Leonie:** wait hold on it really is like. everyone.

**Leonie:** caspar came out last night & all

**Ingrid:** tbh if I could declare my bisexuality drunk off my ass on beer on the middle of a buffet table at a school disco, I would not hesitate

**Edelgard:** When did this happen?

**Dorothea:** you were crying about capitalism in the toilet

**Hubert >>> Dorothea (3:25pm)  
**

**Hubert**: Charge your phone, Dorothea.

**Dorothea:** no :^)

**Claude >>> Other Blue Horse Girl (3:29pm)**

_Claude replied to a message_: _tbh if I could declare my bisexuality drunk off my ass on beer on the middle of a buffet table at a school disco, I would not hesitate_

**Claude:** there’s nothing stopping you from doing that, Ingrid >:3

**Ingrid:** don’t you make that face at me

**Claude:** look left down the dining hall >:3

**Ingrid:** how the fuck did you do that with your mouth

**Dorothea >>> Normie Gays (3:51pm)**

**Dorothea:** SO which chat is this?

**Caspar:** ??????? what do u mean this is the whole year chat?

**Dorothea:** caspie. ^ group title

**Dorothea:** We have 3 chats named Normie Gays, i'm trying to figure out which is which

**Dorothea:** bc i decided to be kind today :)

**Ferdinand: **OMG!!!! 

**Mercedes:** It's the LGBT+ chat everyone! I'm the main admin, so I'm sure! :)

**Dorothea:** Mercie you are literally the sweetest person in this entire continent

**Mercedes:** Ahh because i am a baker! :D What a lovely joke!

**Dorothea:** mercie im not emotionally stable enough to deal with you being so nice

**Marianne:** oh mood

**Dorothea >>> Normie Gays (3:39pm)  
**

**Dorothea: **and now which chat is this??

**Dimitri:** what do you mean?

**Sylvain:** ok nobody here reads chat names confirmed

**Ashe**: Is this not the normie gay chat..?

**Lorenz:** I believed this is the dorm communication chat?

**Lorenz:** I was about to ask who left 7 (dirty!!) socks in the hallway.

**Lorenz:** It's simply barbaric.

**Dorothea >>> Mercie (8:02pm)**

**Dorothea:** Heyy Mercie, do you happen to know who changed the chat names last night?

**Dorothea:** Just out of curiosity & all as you're admin!

**Dorothea:** :)

**Mercie:** aha! Found the info for you xx

_Mercie sent screenshots of the event history of two chats, both titled 'Normie Gays'. Between the hours of 4am and 5am, both chat names were changed by one Sylvain Jose Gautier_

**Dorothea:** aww thank you! x

**Mercie:** no problem! x

**Dorothea >>> THOT (8:18pm)**

**Dorothea:** i know it was you

**THOT:** you have exactly zero proof of that t h x

**Dorothea:** you weren't even subtle. you giggled to yourself for 20 min

**THOT:** UHHH i don't giggle?

**Dorothea:** also the selfie you took of you and hube at 4:36am is already my lockscreen

**THOT:** excuse you

**THOT:** that's not a selfie, that's art.

**Claude >>> Princess Edie (1:33am)**

**Claude:** hey hey princess

**Princess Edie:** Claude, I'm busy, if it's urgent take it to @cat herders

**Claude:** aha no, you’re gonna want to see this yourself

**Claude:** There's an underground contraband library in the sewers >:3

**Princess Edie:** Claude, you can’t actually expect me to believe this.

**Claude:** ok fine i'll just keep all this illegal info to myself then UwU

**Claude:** bring your royal self and your murderous shadow and meet me in the library

**Princess Edie:** was the uwu really necessary? I think not.

**Princess Edie:** But fine. If only for nothing better to do.

**Princess Edie:** Hube and I are on our way.

**Claude:** i await urs and hube's presence ;3

**Hubert >>> Ingrate (certain bastard, possible threat) (1:35am)**

**Hubert:** You may not call me Hube.

**Ingrate:** Of course not, Lapdog, wouldn’t dream of it.

**Hubert:** Far better to be a companion than prey, Deer.

**Ingrate:** ok, knock-off babadook

**Hubert:** You're an Irrepressible irritant. I loath your presence in my life.

**Ingrate:** ah, this pleasure is all mine, low-rent heathcliff

**Hubert:** That simply exposes your own lack of knowledge of the novel.

**Ingrate:** and you know it? Nerd

**Ingrate:** so u on the way

**Hubert:** Yes, we’re going up the dorm stairs.

**Ingrate:** ttys ;3

**Hubert >>> Lady Edelgard (1:41am)**

**Hubert:** I do not like Claude.

**Lady Edelgard**: His vibes are terrible, I’m aware.

**Sylvain >>> Drama Queen TM (9:07am)**

**Sylvain:** wait fuck how did you even GET that selfie???

**Sylvain:** was it hube

**Sylvain:** bet it was hube

**Professor Baeleth >>> Eagle-itarians (11:28am)  
**

**Professor Baeleth:** hey kids i caught a purple fish so now i can teach you more about geometry

**Ferdie:** Politely, what the fuck, professor.

**Dowothea:** oh absolutely not.

**Dowothea** _changed nickname to Shame_

**Dowothea** _set Shame to mute_

**Edie:** That's your 3rd strike, Ferdinand.

**Darling Petra:** it is ferdinand shaming hours?

**Darling Petra**: poor ferdie :(

**bernie:** this house is falling apart…

**hubie:** a small price to pay for shaming ferdinand.

**Caspie:** DHSJKHF OMG

**Caspie**: also ??? WHAT is geometry?????

**Professor** **Baeleth**: give me like 10 mins to catch 2 more fish & I can tell you what a triangle is

**Shame >>> shame basement (11:29am)  
**

**Shame:** GUYS??? WHAT THE HELL??

**Shame:** Dorothea how could you silence me like this????

**Shame:** Edelgard… I thought you said we were bae…

**Shame:** betrayed in my own home

**Shame:** :(

**Yuri:** the hell are you doing in the shame basement?

**Shame:** what

**Yuri:** what

**Sylvain** >>> **The Hube-meister (2:34am)**

**Sylvain:** hey hey.. hube

**The Hube-meister:** What.

**Sylvain:** you are the Big Carrot in our bag of baby carrots 

**The Hube-meister:** Again, what.

**Sylvain:** adult supervision

**The Hube-meister:** was this a necessary thing to tell me

**Sylvain:** my wisdom is always necessary, hube

**The Hube-meister:** your wisdom _teeth_ certainly aren't

**The Hube-meister:** and happen to be very detachable

**The Hube-meister:** if one happens to have pliers in hand, of course.

**The Hube-meister:** which I do. 

**Sylvain:** so never text gremlins after midnight, gotcha

**Ca-SPAR >>> Training Ground Pals (4:50pm)  
**

_Caspar sent a picture [A photo of Caspar and Raphael at the training grounds. Caspar is posed akin to 'The Thinker' statue... held up in the air on a platform made by Raphael's palms. The backgroud of the photo captures the moment Professor Byleth caught sight of them, and her eyes are wide as dinner plates.]_

**Ca-SPAR:** brooooo this was so AWSOME i felt so TALL

**Ca-SPAR:** is that how the other half live

**Raphael Rumble:** Claude wanted to say also :)

**Raphael Rumble:** It was a weird stretch, but there's nothing wrong with it! No harm done! :)

**Leonie:** did he say weird flex but ok

**Petra:** that text in itself is a weird flex, but ok :)

**Raphael Rumble**: hey, how'd you know leonie? must be pretty psychic! :)

**Leonie**: i regret so much

**Annette >>> peach sorbet squad (6:05pm)  
**

**Annette: **ALL RIGHT peach sorbet squad stand UP!!!! :D

**Constance:** The anti-peach sorbet-squad are rallying their stance. 

**Constance:** How are we planning to proceed?

**Constance**: This is serious business, my lads.

**Lysithea:** never say 'my lads' again.

**Edelgard:** We crush them.

**Dorothea:** The spirit is great, but the fact you’re literally holding a silver+ axe in your hand does nothing to help you rn, edie

**Hilda:** no no

**Hilda:** let her speak

**Hubert >>> Lady Edelgard (6:44pm)  
**

**Hubert:** We appear to be on opposite sides of the battlefield for once, Lady Edelgard.

**Lady Edelgard:** It seems we are, my trusted friend.

**Hubert:** Our animosity will cease once the war is won, of course.

**Lady Edelgard:** Naturally.

**Lady Edelgard:** I look forward to those brighter days, Hubert.

**Hubert: **Perhaps the day I can once more serve at your side in good conscience, my lady, will be the only I will spend in the light.

**Hubert:** In the meantime:

**Hubert:** The peach sorbet-squad will pay dearly for its fallacies.

**Lady Edelgard:** I think you’ll find the Peach Sorbet-squad will emerge victorious, with the moral truth on our side, dear friend.

**Hubert:** A clear and acceptable declaration of war, Lady Edelgard.

**Hubert:** May we meet again on the same side of the dining hall.

**Lady Edelgard:** I KNEW you stealing the last of the croutons wasn’t an accident

**Lady Edelgard:** You bastard.

**Edelgard >>> Peach Sorbet-Squad Rise The Fuck Up (6:57pm)  
**

**Edelgard:** Hubert and I are no longer on speaking terms

**Edelgard:** This means war, my friends.

**Linhardt: **when will i know peace

**Dorothea:** wait oh my goddess they actually fought

**Yuri:** I think i regret leaving the sewer tbh

**Balthus >>> Anti-Peach Sorbet-Organisation (8:13pm)  
**

**Balthus** _added Seteth to the group_

**Seteth:** Absolutely not.

_Seteth left the group._

**Leonie:** thats the funniest thing I’ve ever seen

**Petra >>> Anti-Peach Sorbet-Organisation (11:31pm)  
**

**Petra:** So we are agreed.

**Petra:** We stage a heist on the kitchen tomorrow morning

**Petra:** Hube and I will take the kitchen

**Hubert:** Do not call me Hube.

**Petra:** Leonie and Balthus will stage a distraction.

**Petra:** We will be golden!!

**Felix:** This is so fucking pointless

**Petra:** Would you like to be in the heist team, Felix? :)

**Felix:** ..

**Felix:** fine.

**Seteth >>> Hangovers United (9:45am)  
**

**Seteth:** Firstly, this chat name is an abomination.

_Seteth changed the chat name to Teacher Communication Group_

**Seteth:** Secondly, Ms Eisner.

**Byleth:** ya

**Seteth:** What, pray tell, happened this morning.

**Hanneman:** A true crime against all that is good and righteous in this world.!!

**Manuela:** take that back right now you old coot

**Byleth:** lmao

**Seteth:** The kitchen was broken into - twice - before 6 in the morning. The dining hall became a battlefield - are the monthy trips not enough to curb the insatiable bloodlust of our students? The honour of this institution was called into quetsion in a way that I have never witnessed. The disrespect was palpable, Ms Eisner. Our academic institution was built on holy ground. Our Goddess would not stand for it, and neither will I. This will be the last straw, Ms Eisner.

**Byleth:** m8 they were yelling a bit loud for 6 in the am

**Byleth:** not going full guerilla warfare with ice cream for war paint swinging from the rafters

**Byleth**: i'll punish the students if you tell me why ur keeping kids in the sewer

**Seteth**: That is not your juristiction.

_Seteth has left the group chat._

**Byleth:** lmao

**Cat Herder in Chief >>> Cat Herders (9:57am)**

**Cat Herder in Chief**: The kitchen was broken into - twice - before 6 in the morning. The dining hall became a battlefield - are the monthy trips not enough to curb the insatiable bloodlust of our students? The honour of this institution was called into quetsion in a way that I have never witnessed. The disrespect was palpable, Ms Eisner. Our academic institution was built on holy ground. Our Goddess would not stand for it, and neither will I. This will be the last straw, Ms Eisner.

**Cat Herder in Chief**: lmao

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not entirely sure if im happy with this,,,? but i hope it made y'all smile!
> 
> >;3 catch u on the flip side babes


End file.
